Sam Beach

My book dedications for Sam shows the before he died and after, and will always read:

 

To my fiancé Sam—you're my rock when I'm unsteady, a teacher when I need guidance, and a student when I need to teach. Thank you for always being there in every situation and keeping me laughing … even when I didn't want to. I love you more than life itself and cherish the day you came into my life!—In loving memory of Sam Beach, you will always be in my heart. I will love you until the day I die, and I will see you again, my love. Rest in Peace and keep God laughing with your witty zingers. I miss you. Until we meet again, I am forever yours.

This is hard to write, in fact I'm crying as I am, so I will cut to the chase.

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We found out Sam had an illness in September of 2025, when he got really ill and started throwing up stomach acid. He couldn't eat, he didn't want to drink, he just wanted to sleep. He fell over in his room while changing. I couldn't get him up, so I told him, if we can't get him up, he's going to the hospital. I made the call.

 

He was in the hospital for a while. They were worried about all the spots throughout his body, the fact that his kidney was covered and half of his liver. They did a liver biopsy. They did a bunch of tests. They kept telling him that they wanted to remove the kidney and half of the liver. He stated, "Hell no. They aren't chopping me up." They claimed he had Ecoli. We had no clue how he would've gotten that. If that shit is so contagious, since they brought in the CDC, then how come I didn't have it?

 

After they released him, they gave us  instructions on the PICC line he had in his arm. It allowed the medicine that I had to insert (lucky me) into the tubes to go straight to his heart and filter down through his veins. A month of that.

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When we went to the CDC for the follow up, she removed the PICC line. We were escatic. He even kissed my cross. We thought that meant he was good. Then she said the thing that turned both our bloodstreams to ice. "The numbers are skewed most likely because of the cancer." No one had mentioned cancer at all. That was in October of 2025. We went home and immediately made plans to get legally married.

 

His doctor called and suggested leaving the PICC line in. Sam wanted no parts of that any longer. It hurt him when they came out to change the damn dressing, twice a week. They mentioned that it was time for him to go on hospice as his time was very near (though they said less than 6 months). So, he agreed to go on hospice from home at the end of October. He signed the DNR. They gave me my instructions.

 

I made sure he got everything that he wanted (which was usually food, but he couldn't eat a lot), but I couldn't give him the time he needed to spend one more T-giving or Christmas with me. We did do T-giving early, but he couldn't think of a reason to do Christmas early. We started watching Christmas movies. He really wanted to look at the lights on the houses. First time ever.

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He could barely walk, he was so weak, he fell twice. In five years, the cancer aged him 20 years. I'm sure the diabetes didn't help (and before you comment, he did not like a lot of sugar, so he rarely took anything with sugar, but he loved his fucking fast food--I am the sugar hound and NO diabetes or cancer). He fell again. This time, the firemen came out at 2:30 a.m. and put him back in bed. The next time, he fell in the bathroom and hit his head hard, but not hard enough to bleed. He was on hospice; they don't try to save them, just make them comfortable. He started losing his train of thoughts and the ability to form words. He was then a prisoner to the hospital bed because he was not allowed to get out of it, too weak to walk. That's when they had me start him on his regime of meds.

 

I was with him every step of the way and even took time off work so that he was never alone. I kept the thunder storm on for him because he loved to sleep with that when he took naps. I covered and uncovered him as I felt his body temperature when I gave him his medication, telling him every time how much I love him and how much I was going to miss him. I tried not to cry, because it upset him when I did. I knew he wasn't going to live past the weekend. The death rattle was the obvious sign.

 

From the onset of Sam being out of it, literally, it only took 4 days before he passed. He lost his battle on November 9, 2025 as the cancer took over his body and finally reached his brain.

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We spoke about getting married for years, but never did it. The things you regret when it's too late to do anything about it.

 

I will keep the Walker N Beach, because that's who Sam will always be... a part of me and every book I write will still hold his name.

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God prepared me early on that I was going to have to make it without Sam, but I didn't realize he meant so soon. My dreams were always me searching for Sam and I couldn't find him.

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Sam kept having dreams of meeting up with dead family members. His dad pulled up on a bus and told him it wasn't time yet, but soon.

 

He stated that the birds would come and sit on the eaves under the roof and just watch him through the window. He said they were preparing to come and take his soul. I didn't believe him. I guess he knew something after all. It wasn't long after that he died.