Three Months

Hey babe. I got the AAA card today. My solo policy. You're not on it. Now, I have the lead card—the same number you had. It's amazing how the smallest things can break your heart that you never would've suspected. A fucking card can bring tears to your eyes and down your cheeks as if you just lost your best friend.

Per your request, I kept it. For one, 5 years is a long time to throw away, and two, as you always say, it's good to have even if you never use it for that one time that you may need it.

They say time heals all wounds, mine aren't healing, babe. It's been three months exactly, and I still miss you as much as the day you died. It still breaks my heart. I still talk to your ashes daily, telling you all about my day and the crazy calls. You hear me venting about ADT, because, anymore, that's the only nightmare in my life.

I hope you're not here and have found peace, but I know better. The cold spots. When I get into bed, I get that cold hug that the covers can't warm. The living room is like a zigzagging path of chill. I sometimes will hear a sound or someone walking, and I know you're still here. I just wish you could tell me… actually talk to me… but that might be against the rules. I know you're mad about the house being a mess, but I don't care. I'm not ready to be Alice or Hazel yet, and it's not a mess, just not your kind of clean. The mess doesn't bother me. It's all I got to just function daily for right now and pray that I go soon.

I did leave a penny out, though, just in case. If the other Sam can do it, so can you. Practice!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9C2Igehos-Y