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My love/hate relationship...

Updated: Sep 4, 2018

I’m in the middle of a troublesome love/hate relationship these days. Dollars to doughnuts you’re thinking that this is just like all the other sticky Romeo/Juliet cock-and-bull stories. Something rolling around itself, just floating off-course, in the self-perpetuating webs of deceit and half-truth of the internet, but not quite. You see, I love to hate my exercise bike. Yep, it’s one of ‘those’ heartbreaking stories.

When I first got on this, “I need to exercise” kick was after strolling past a large-scale mirror in the living room, noticing how blimp-sized my behind has become. Whew, doggie! It might need its own zip code any minute now! Anywho, I did the same as the majority when they catch a glimpse of added pounds… diet and exercise! These days, I’m a little off my game with the course of action I always used to exercise: dance. I’ll get to the why later but thanks to a recent pain-in-the-ass situation, that is out of the question. I needed to find something easy on the aching feet yet satisfying at the same time. Just like a woman, huh? So picky!

I thought… exercise bike. No substantial weight on the feet. I began researching, countless pages of websites, to find the one beyond compare! Watching umpteen ads, waiting for the one that would reach out and slap me, suddenly… the clouds parted, the angels began singing, a ray of light streamed through my window (blinding me for a minute) and I finally found it! A stationary bike with a comfy office chair for a seat. Perfect! I could see me kicking back, taking my time, watching movies (or playing X-box) and pedaling my little heart out! It’s not a stick-in-the-mud, straight back one, with the teensy-weensy seat that feels more like a torturous wedgie crawling up your behind. Nope. It’s the Cadillac of stationary bikes. It’s made for comfort. I thought… hmm, why not? So, I got it! The final cost made my heart skip a beat, but it was well worth it… if it did the job.

Putting it together proved to be a frustrating chore, taking both of us close to five stiff-necked hours to finish. The ‘directions’ was just a featherweight booklet (with magnifying readable instructions) dictating where everything went. Okay, no biggie! We got this! After all, we are two intelligent beings and we can figure it out. Like an overly-excited kid on Christmas morning, we tore into the heavy box. There were other various-sized boxes surrounding the base. Well, at least they put that part together for us! Carefully we started yanking all these ‘some assembly required’ sections out, which turned into ‘we started it – you finish it’. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t wait till we pieced the damn thing together! I was certain that this ‘heavy, bulky, “where the hell we gonna put it”, dream’ wonder-bike was going to ride off the extra pounds – that stuck to me when I walked past something sweet – since I can barely walk. Down on the floor we went and the emotional upset began. There was a lot of, “Huh? What the hell does that mean?” and, “I know it says it in the drawing, but I don’t see it on the bike!” going on back and forth.

Four “getting on my damn nerves” painstakingly hours later, we were questioning if there was another box coming. We had extra parts and misplaced hardware! Right before we were ready to throw in the towel, call up the infuriating company and give them an earful they probably heard a million times, we solved the missing puzzle piece! It was shoved down in one of the front poles and held there with a “it doesn’t look that damn strong” rubber band. Granted, it meant tearing the front apart again to get it, but we found it. Some joker’s idea on how to frustrate buyers, no doubt. After that, we took a much-needed break. It was a backbreaking workout all its own!

The next day was the first time I rode it. Excitedly, I sat down on it and got a feel for it. Wow! Talk about comfortable! I started pedaling. It was smooth and easy going. It was a breeze. It didn’t matter that it was on the ‘1’ speed. I didn’t want to do too much. Keep it easy going, relaxing, don’t tax the body. The “complicated but necessary” electronics on it, has a pulse checker and showed my different stats – speed, miles, time, calories burned, pulse – in three-second flashes. This was going to be great! I would definitely get plenty of use from it!

A month later, I’m forcing myself to ride it at least once a day for as long as I can. Even though it does kill my feet, I have to do something! I thought this was going to be easier. Feet stay stationary, in one position, so it would actually help with the injury. More like my own verse of physical therapy.

A quick explanation for the necessity of this contraption that works as a clothes-catcher. For those of you who don’t know, I had an ‘ice skating’ injury in the parking lot of Giant Eagle. Still going through that legal fiasco, but I was injured in both feet and nothing has been done about it yet. We can’t do physical therapy, not that it would help now. Giant Eagle doesn’t think they’re responsible even though they put me in that situation. Since they don’t care about their customers or employees (since I was both at the time), I stopped shopping there. Enough said about that.

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Sam Beach
Sam Beach
Aug 04, 2018

"The Rack" has nothing on this evil device.

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